Consequences
by Kitsune Hanyou
Summary: To every action there is an equal and opposite reaction." Its a scientific law, the same as "Equivalent Exchange". Ed brought his brother back, and Ed, Roy and Al all feel differently about it. Continued from "Returned."
1. Monster

A/N: All right, all right, I caved. I got so many people telling me that "Returned" needed to be continued, that the final line was not an ending, that I've decided to continue. I got two scenes that stuck in my head when I was ordered to continue, so why not? So much for me writing a "one-shot". You can understand this one on its own, maybe, but some of the things the characters will talk about happen in that story.

This is a three chapter fic, which will flow nicely into the sequel to Returned. So, for the peeps who wanted them, here it is. I've been experimenting with first person in my actual, "get paid for it" writing, so here's a fanfic attempt at it. This first chapter is for Ed, I gave him something different to feel guilty for. I think that sometimes, we forget that those two are just kids, and kids don't exactly make the most sound thinkers. These are going to be pretty short, in comparison to most of my fics.

Consequences

Chapter One: Monster

Summary: No one is _that_ selfless.

I did it. Just like I promised, I got Al's body back. Only…we got caught. Human Alchemy is a capital offense, with swift trails and even swifter carrying out of sentences. But I have Mustang! Heh, what would I do without the bastard colonel?

When he told me you were dead, little brother, I…I'd go through automail surgery every day if I never had to feel that pain ever again. I didn't know what to do.

Actually, that's a lie. I knew exactly what to do; but my arms were tied apart. They even had this stupid fucking glove over my flesh hand. I couldn't move. I…all I could do was lay there. Mustang and Lieutenant Hawkeye both just left me tied down. I finally broke the restraint on my automail arm, I transmuted the bed something that sort-of resembled your armor body, but this one was only an inch or so taller than me. You were always saying how you hated being so big and clunky.

I transmuted a blade onto my automail and was ready to draw the arrays over my body and on the armor in my own blood when it hit me. You _died_, Al. I got you body back, but because of what I did, you _died_. I killed my little brother. Even if I got your soul back, I'd be condemning you to never feeling, you'd be stuck in the armor forever, because I'd know that I couldn't ever give you back your flesh and blood body.

Could I really do that to you?

I transmuted the armor back into the gurney and sat next to it crying. I don't know how long it took before the first nurse came in, but when she did, she screamed for help. Funny, isn't it? They saw the blade on my automail and thought I was going to kill myself. Honestly, that hadn't occurred to me until they were wrestling me to the ground, removing my arm and telling me that I had shit to live for. The only thing I had thought about was getting you back.

They put me back onto the bed, tied down again and left me there. I got to thinking. I decided that if I needed to die, I didn't deserve to die as quickly as stabbing myself or slashing my wrists. After everything I've done, I deserved to suffer. I decided not to eat or drink anything.

A whole day passed, with me just laying there. You told me once that you didn't hate me. The longer I sat there, Al, the more I started to blame and hate you. How horrible am I, Alphonse? The longer I lay there, the more I thought about everything you had said to me. How you told me that you should have spoken up about that night we tried to bring mom back.

What kind of monster am I, brother? I killed you and I tried to blame you for it? I was so angry at you, little brother. I was supposed to protect you! I failed, and then said in my head that it was because of you that I messed up! That maybe if you had said that you didn't think bringing back mom was a good idea, you'd never have lost your body and I wouldn't only have one arm and leg! I'm sorry, Alphonse! I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.

Then Mustang came in and told me you were alive. That nurse said you were crying for me, Alphonse. I was sitting there thinking all of this was your fault and you were crying, alone, hurt and scared? And when I saw you, tried to comfort you, you cried out, as if I'd hit you. You looked so small, Al. Small and fragile. Mustang and that nurse helped me get you out of there, but I didn't know what to do!

Everything hurts you, little brother. Being hot, being cold; I can't even hold you to comfort you! I don't know how to help you learn to walk again. I don't know how to do _anything_!

And you cry, tell me that it hurts to feel, that you want it all to stop?! You want to be back in that damn armor?! Like I never should have risked _my_ life to give you your body back?!

Gotten.

I _got_ your body back. It was never mine to give.

I'd never tell, but I tried that scary, "sensory deprivation tank" thing that nurse said might be helpful for you. I don't see how you can stand that horrible thing. As soon as I closed the cover and laid down in that body-temperature water, in pitch-blackness, I couldn't even hear my own breath with my ears under water. And with the water the same temperature as my body it was almost like I couldn't feel that my face wasn't underwater. I started to panic immediately, I couldn't feel, couldn't hear, couldn't see…

Is that what I did to you, Al?

Is that what it was like when you were in the armor?

I _am_ a monster. A selfish, foolish monster.

_I_ didn't want to have to live alone after what we tried with mom. _I_ didn't want to live alone with the fact that _I'd_ failed, that _I_ failed and murdered my brother in the process. _I_ forced you into that tank and locked the cover.

And as soon as I thought you were gone, _I_ blamed it all on _you_. I'm sorry, Alphonse. I'm so sorry.

If it takes the rest of my life, _I_ will make it up to you.

I just hope you never find out that your brother really _is_ a monster.


	2. Worth

Consequences

Part Two: Worth

Summary: How could his mother's soul be worth so much, while his was worth so little? He wasn't worth it, he didn't deserve anything.

I love Ed. All of the fights we get into, that's just brothers being brothers. I can't believe that I thought that one time that I wasn't real. I saw the look on Ed's face and thought about how he never got to finish asking that question and assumed the worst. It's ironic, how all I ever longed for was to breathe again. To be able to hug my brother and actually _feel_ the comfort it's supposed to bring.

And now all I think about is how he shouldn't have wasted his time. I saw his face when I cried, when I said it hurt too much, when I begged to not feel anymore. It hurt him. I hurt him. He gave up an arm for me. Gave up his life to the military he hated, just for me. For the sole purpose of fixing me.

I should have said something that night! I knew it was a bad idea. We could have lived without mom. We _did_ learn to live without mom. Think how much easier it would have been with our bodies whole. It was my fault. You do everything for me, Edward. And I didn't even fulfill my promise. I said I'd get your arm and leg back. I can't even move. I'm making you feel worse, too.

You shouldn't have to take care of me. You deserve a life. You are sixteen; you should be going on picnics with Winry, having fun. Not nursing your pathetic brother back to health.

Was I not strong enough? Is that it? Maybe if I'd studied more, practiced more, I could have been as good as you, and I'd have still had my body?

Why was mom's soul worth so much? The Gate took my whole body and your leg for mom's soul.

I guess the better question is why was mine worth so little? My soul was only worth an arm. One arm! Mom took care of us, even though she was sick. She didn't tell us cause she didn't want us to worry. She was strong. She did everything for us. I was a stupid little kid who couldn't even make a good rock sculpture using alchemy without Ed's help. Ed's alchemy was so much better than mine. I wasn't strong enough. I let Ed do everything. I relied on him too much.

I guess I still am. Every time I see his automail arm, I want to cry. That is me. I took that from him. Sure, he says it's his fault, but really, it isn't.

And then I think of all the people who died making the Philosopher's Stone. That's what Equivalent Exchange is. To bypass that, you have to give up something far greater than what you get. You can't _ever_ get past that scientific law. That's why it's law. All those people died for me. For this pathetic body that I can't even use.

It wasn't a fair trade.

I never should have agreed to use the stupid stone! I was alive! Sure I couldn't feel anything, but I was still with Ed. I could do so much in my armor body. I could protect Ed, I could carry him when he was exhausted, because I never tired, I could help him.

Now, I can't even do that. I've relied on my brother too much. Ed has done far too much for me. Its time I started doing things on my own. As soon as I get better, Edward Elric, I promise you, you will never have to look out for me again. You won't ever have to do anything for me.

I'll make sure I pay the price for everything. You are worth so much more than I am. You are a genius at alchemy, the youngest person to ever be a State Alchemist, and you survived something no one else has, human alchemy. You are stronger than I'll ever be.

You sat at the end of my bed and told me how sorry you were, you begged for my forgiveness when you thought I was asleep. You have it wrong, brother. I should be on my knees before you. You gave me everything, and I'm acting ungrateful.

I'm not worth what you've given to me. The Gate proved it. I'm only worth an arm.

You are worth everything and more that I will spend my life giving to you.

All you have to say is when you want me gone, and you'll never have to worry about me again. I deserve your hatred; I deserve whatever happens to me.

When you're sick of taking care of me, say the word. Until then, I won't be such a bother to you anymore. I will get better. I will make this up to you, for as long as you'll let me.

Problem is, I don't think you'd ever say when. You blame yourself for everything. How do I make you understand? How do I get you to hate me as much as you should?

I'll figure out a way to make you see, brother. Ed will hate me, as much as I deserve. I'll show him how much I'm really worth.


	3. Protector

A/N: Sorry it took so long. I just got a puppy and they are like having a baby. You get no sleep, can't eat without it crying, and it is way too needy. If you saw him, you'd think it was totally worth it. Anyway, chapter one of the next story in this three story arch called _Normal is Subjective_ should also be up. Finish this one, give a review if you see fit, and read the next. I'm not entirely happy with this chapter; I never realized writing for Mustang would be so difficult.

Consequences

Chapter 3: Protector

Damn them! Just…damn those two. Alphonse had more sense in that hollow helmet of his than if you'd have twelve of Ed! Fullmetal.

Damn it!

When did this start?!

Edward Elric was supposed to be a tool; something that I could exploit to gain the power to become Fuhrer. It didn't matter that he was twelve. He survived an attempt at Human Alchemy. I couldn't tell my superiors _that_, but during the State Exam he'd been the definition of prodigy. I only wonder what would have happened if I hadn't told Alphonse to back out. The younger Elric had scored much higher on the written than Fullmetal. Alphonse has a much better temperament than his brother as well.

He would have made a terrible soldier.

Besides, _I_ couldn't have gotten them _both_.

The state sees Fullmetal as an unstoppable force, a powerful weapon to use against upstarts and rebels. They don't see that without Alphonse, Ed—Fullmetal is useless.

Damn it!

The more I try, the harder it becomes. I've tried calling him by rank, that didn't work. I've settled on just Fullmetal. I have to think of him as a soldier, not a kid. He's a State Alchemist. He must follow orders. _My _orders.

And damn him for trusting me.

Edward doesn't follow—_Fullmetal_ doesn't follow me because of the chain of command. He's a kid. He follows me because for some reason I just don't understand, that boy trusts me. As much as he hates me, he trusts me.

That makes this so much worse.

We all follow the orders of the state; sometimes we have to kill; sometimes we have to give our lives. I'm a colonel; I have knowingly ordered men and women to their deaths. It isn't pleasant, and no one wants to, but if you try to save everyone, you'll get everyone killed. Such is the way of war. Leaders cannot get attached to those under their command. Everyone is expendable.

Except Edwa—Fullmetal. Aside from the fact that he's valuable, I could never sacrifice him. The rest of my team are soldiers. Havoc, Breda, Fulman, Fury, and especially Hawkeye…not a single one would give a second thought to any order I gave. Any one of them would willingly give their life without hesitation. Fullmetal couldn't follow an order even if he was starving and it was to eat. Sure, I've figured ways around that; saying rumors about the Stone were here or there when command needed something done. It is unfortunate that _he_ is my best soldier.

I haven't beaten enough sense into that kid. He should have told me! Given me some type of warning. As much as he might hate me, I thought I've proven myself. If I had known when and where, I could have made sure they would have been safe.

Damn it, Fullmetal! We would have taken Alphonse to a hospital immediately. Who knows what kind of permanent damage your obsession with self-reliance caused your brother. Four days, that's how long your brother was left. If you had told me, we could have had a medical team waiting! We are a team, kid.

I gave up getting Fullmetal to respect authority long ago. Maybe that was my mistake? Edward calls me "Colonel Bastard," thinks I'm heartless and power-hungry. I'll admit to being power-hungry, I _will_ become Fuhrer, but heartless?

I killed enough people in Ishbal. Watched as my flames burned them alive. You'd be surprised at how long it actually takes a person to burn to death. They don't go into shock. They yell and scream and writhe until their hearts finally stop beating and their brain is boiled inside their skulls. The screams and the smell…you can't ever forget that smell of charred flesh.

Then, those two doctors…two innocent _doctors _for God's sake! Of course Edward would know their only child. Of course I would have to look into her eyes after what I've done. Why the hell did I let Maes stop me those years ago?

No, if I was dead I couldn't look after those boys. Damn, I wish Maes were here. He was good at dealing with this sort of thing. I don't know how to care for a sick little boy and his overprotective brother. I can't treat them like soldiers. I don't know how to care for two scared teenage boys. And Alphonse needs a lot of help. I've seen a lot of terrible things, done more than I'd like to admit, but very little comes close to what I felt just standing there watching Alphonse lie there in pain. The brothers are staying in my house until Alphonse can at least be somewhat self-reliant. It would also look suspicious if Edward were in the dorms during his supposed leave. Besides, it was hard enough getting that damn tank into my study.

Damn, that thing looks like a metal coffin. I've seen the way Edward's breath quickens and the look on his face turns to near panic every time he's helped Alphonse into it. Edward feels so guilty, I heard him one night begging Alphonse to forgive him, but Edward can't see what Alphonse won't say to him. Alphonse feels just as guilty about what he's putting Edward through. Either would give anything for the other.

Maybe it's because I _am_ outside that I can see, but Alphonse is hiding something. Through all the pain and drug induced haze, he isn't saying something important. I fear that when he does, Edward will be the one to suffer. Alphonse cares too much about his brother; he doesn't want to worry Edward unnecessarily. That's another problem with children, they think like children. Alphonse may be intelligent and wise far beyond his years, but he's still fifteen. I'm afraid to theorize what he might be hiding; an imagination is sometimes your worst enemy.

Is he slowly dying? Covering it up with morphine, saying it's because of the prolonged absence of senses to spare Edward the guilt of failing as long as possible?

I don't think anyone could stop another suicide attempt by Edward. As selfish as I may be, at least he'd be doing it for his brother, as twisted as that may sound. He wouldn't be doing it to rid his guilt for murder.

A more moral suicide, how ironic.

Damn, I wish Maes was still here. He was the "people person." I'm the "bastard colonel."

These boys have been through too much. Their father disappeared, mother died, one loses two limbs, the other essentially died, they constantly have to fight for their lives, and when they finally think things have turned around, this happens?

I never met their mother, and didn't know their father well, but someone needed to step up and care about these kids. I can't believe I'm actually thinking about this, but too many people are now after those two; I trust my team, but no one else can know, yet.

Someone has to do it. Neither of them is in the right state of mind to care for themselves.

I might as well be their protector.


End file.
